[02 Mar 2002|05:07pm] It's the first time since i've come home that i've been this homesick. When I first came back I was happy to be away from the drama for a bit, but it finally kicked back in, about how much i'm missing...and the new people that could be a part of my life. I loove meeting new people, even here I do. But there's nothing to depend on here, my dad seems like he's a good guy and that he'll be my dad and i love him and really admire him for that and his putting up with me....esp when he already had the perfect family before I came.. i feel like i messed that up in a lot of ways.. mainly because I notice the vibes my step mom gives me, and i think that in her heart she wants her family back to the way it was.. and that's okay.. i understand. I just want to go back to that place where people care about me and what happens to me and i'm surrounded by those people.. here.. the only person who seems to care that much is my dad..and maybe nassim... I can talk and talk and talk to my girlz about my probs..but in the long run..they really really just do not get it, THAT'S NOT THEIR FAULT!!!! It's just something that you have to know...I don't think it's even a reality to them. To understand the way I am.. you havet o know me and all about me. People back home know me. I picture their faces in my mind and cry, because you have no idea how much you LOVE someone untill you can't talk and see they at least once a week, if not everyday. A lot of my thought has been on my MOVIE NIGHT CREW. I think everyone that was apart of that knew me better then anyone else.. because they were in that house..and when they were there.. nothing was diffrent then when they weren't. They saw and they understood.. but the MOST POSSITIVE friendships came out of that. Blakie, Erik, Gibby, Beth, and Crystal.... there was always drama...some guy was making out with someother one.. but..there was always love, and support. I miss that feeling so much. When I come home, cause I am comming home... Julia's going to pull of those grades and if you really wanna know why.. because i want to come home and be with my friends more then anything in the whole world.. MY COMFORT ZONE as my dad would say... something he was right about. The 6 week gradeing period is up this comming week.. that means only 12 more weeks of school to go... prolly add one cause of spring break ..so 13 .. and i'm done.. and julia is bringing home some A's and B's you just don't know. AND I'M COMMING HOME!!! Where home is exactly I don't know.. but Criddle is gonna talk to Mamma and Pappa O bout maybe staying with them for a bit in the summer...if my dad lets me come back for the summer.... which i pray and pray and pray and pray he will. Then I'd go live with Grandma.. There's so much going through my head right now you just don't even udnerstand.. but i typed al lthis in like 3 minutes.. so my hands hurt.. im gonna bounce.. byebye post comment

[23 Feb 2002|12:54pm] Okay yesterday we were going home with Marc and this guy was backing up into his drive way, and I thought they had stopped and saw up comm'n I guess Marc thought that too so he speed way up to get by them faster, and well they kept backing up and our front hit the side back of their car. It was really bad. I was sitting shotgun, and my whole body went forword (thank god I had my seat belt on) But my knee when into the dash really really hard. And It hurt so bad, well we got out of the car me Joey and Hillary, all really freaked out, thinking that there's no way we can tell our parents and stuff. So we started walking home we just had to get away. Well I limped home, no one else was hurt thank GOD. My knee hurt for a long while, and it was fine later, but then last night when we were over at joeys crack'n up jess like put her head on my knee hard, and brought back a lot of pain. I love her though, lol, and It was trobbing last night, but it's okay now. When we got home we told our parents so that incase like police came to see us cause we were witnesses, we didn't want them to freak out. We got to my house and Joeys mom happened to be driving by and she stoped and pulled inthe the drive way of my townhouses and we told her what happened and she got out and freak out, I mean she was Crying. Cause she had told us t be carefull with him, cause he's a racer. And she was look'n at my knee telling me what I had to do kept asking us if we were okay and stuff. Joey's dad was hella pissed. So I told my dad, and all he was like "Okay, was I suppose to get something from that?" That kinda hurt my feelings because, he didn't even ask if I was okay. And I was actually telling something that I had strong thoughts on not even telling him about. See when I try, they don't even notice. I got this long talk from my dad and step mom about all sorts of things. Things that I didn't really want to hear about again, cause my mom had already told me, but they thought it was important for me to know. The main reason why I don't talk to them about things, is because already how it is, I have no privacy. And I feel like if I tell them my thoughts, that's there's nothing left inside of me to be me.. like i'm empty, there's nothing more to me. I dont' want to feel like that, cause really keeping what i think to myself is what keeps me sane a lot. I want to have a bond with my dad, but sometimes I lose hope in that. Cause I guess because he doesn't know me. He doesn't show much intrest in the people around me, like my friends. I've found out that people have better relationships with there parents with their parents are in influence in their friends life too... I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. Like everyone knows that they can go to Mama H (jochaels mom) for advice if they need it. Like after the accident marc came over to joeys to say sorry to all of us for what he caused and he set and talked to mama H about what he was going to do. And then to get our minds of things Mama and Papa H took us bowling to have a good time and stuff. I know that my dad and mom would never do that, and I know why, they have jazzy and johnny and they don't have just me. So that wouldn't be far to them.. and also...they probley justwouldn't want to... that's cool though...cause that's them. Maybe sometimes I do want what other people have, but i think that's pretty normal at my age. I guess no one else does. the reason my friends are so close to me is cause when I would get the fuck beat out of me all the way back in like 4th grade the only thing I had in my mind was giong to school the next morning and playing like a normal kid with my friends like my life was peachy. Even when they knew, they never treated my diffrent, and they have always been there for me. When I didn't have my mom to talk to I had them. I had grandma and grandpa always but I couldn't talk to them about what happened at home. So other then them as my family, I had Kim and my friends..forever it's been that way. And now that i'm without those people to be with, ti's really hard for me. really hard cause in my mind those people were my family. The only person that my mom would talk to friend wise was Kim..and then when erik came along, she treated him like he was her son, and when me and erik would get in fights, his ass would call my mom and tell her about it..and try to get her to get me to forgive him. She always took his side for the last two years. My mom my have been the biggest bitch in the whole world, but even she noticed how close me and my friend were, ESP the last few weeks before I moved, all the flowers and the dinners and pressies.. and she told me like the day before I left, that She doesn't know how I can leave all my friends behind ESp cause of how close we are, she said she would never be able to do that. ESp Erik. There's no one one this earth I'm closer to then that boy. My mom even knows it, and she never wanted to be a part of my social life except when it came to erik. If we had family dinners with my aunt and uncle and family.. my mom called erik first. He was actually a part of my family. And he's a big part of me. and I understand if I have to live the rest of my life without him, because I understand how life goes on and things change I get that, but without him i won't be the full me cause he's a major part of me. And it's kind of Ironic cause I think the only 3 people that get that is me my mom and erik of course. I miss him so much sometimes I cry myself to sleep. His advise and everything else. I don't know what to do without him. But I guess I have o be me right. Be me... Okay I can do that. I'm working my ass of on my grades. OOOHHH another thing with the grades i know how much trouble I got into for them being bad and everthing. But now i feel like If i do get good grades my parents are going to think it's because of what they said and what they did. . and it's not goingto be because of that bbecause before they even said anyuthing i was doing better and getting things on task..... i don't like feeling like that at all... I really just don't. And I think that If there's anyting in the world that's going to get me to try my hardest to get straight A's is just the fact that I can actuallydo something on my own in my life, without the help of others always there...i miss a lot of people back home, but my focus can't be on them i have to focus on myself and becomming me.. Julia.. lol.. i think that it's a long road but I can do it and I know i can. I just dont 'lkke getting all this extra talk from people like my dad when I know.. he doesn't think i do.. he thinks really that i'm just fucked up... but i'm not going to prove him anytning but that I can do things on my own. I can be responsable.. and to me..it doesn't matter what they think, becaue I know in my mind, and to me..that's what matters. Okay so i've tlaked enough today... post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]